How are you doing? (and other loaded questions)

I am doing okay. I feel almost totally fine (the only exceptions being a little sensitive in the biopsy areas, the discomfort of bandages, and the restlessness of wanting to go for a run but not wanting to mess up the aforementioned biopsy areas) -- totally fine physically that is. I'm sure that makes sense.

I don't know how I feel emotionally. Last week was Wallowing Time (TM). This week's theme is "pretend everything is normal despite the fact that it super is not."

There's this messy cloud hanging over me of why didn't I go to the doctor sooner, of course, it is not normal for an otherwise healthy 37-year-old person to grow random lumps on their back, why didn't I do something about it before? and it's bothering me by poking its head in at random times and trying to trick me into thinking I should feel bad about bringing this upon myself.

Maybe someday I'll write up an epically detailed post about Where My Distrust of the Medical Community Began, but today I'll leave you with some interesting links and a memory of the time in the 2010s when I saw the notes on my file about how high-maintenance, anxious, and acting-out I was just because I was trying to seek treatment for something that turned out to be no big deal. I guess that's when I stopped pressing for answers.

Most recently it's been clear that this could've been found before I grew quite so many lumps on my back (currently 7 after the shoulder one was removed) -- I sought out a doctor in May for dizzy spells (they're gone now) but I remember he was more interested in having me come back than anything else. Memorable (and paraphrased) quotes include this when I told him what I was there for:

You don't want a referral to an ENT, right? They'll just run a dozen tests and it'll cost a lot. Let's just do bloodwork and a pap.

And this when I mentioned that the dizzy spells were bad enough when they hit that I was worried about driving:

Well if you're worried about dizziness, just drive in the right lane!

And when I told him that I also had these weird lumps on my back I am 99.9% sure the words I said didn't even make it past his ears. Turns out the appointment I'd set up was a meet-and-greet with a co-pay and this man was more of a salesman than a doctor. He said multiple times "I hope you come back!" -- I knew even then that I wouldn't be coming back.

Hindsight says I should've tried harder and said YES, I DO want a referral to an

ENT, and NO driving in the right lane is not the solution here bro, but I haven't gotten dizzy since, so maybe he was right about the dizziness being no big deal? I guess we'll find out after all my scans & whatnot.

I'm not sure what my point is. My point is that I feel like it's my fault that I didn't advocate for myself better, but also that I think the entire culture of American medicine is partly to blame. My other point is that if nothing else, at least finding out I have Mystery Cancer gets doctors to actually call me back? 🤷‍♀️