the waiting is the hardest part

I've had almost 48 hours to marinate in my bad news and I keep having the same few thoughts. I'm going to put them down knowing that I'm walking a path that absolute tons of others have walked down and they probably have had all these as well.

1. why me? (lol why not, I have a unique type of bad luck)

2. what if it turns out this is nothing and this is all blown out of proportion? will people be mad? will I look like an idiot? (it's probably not nothing and I doubt anyone would be mad about this, and I've looked like more of an idiot for dumber things)

3. how do I BE anymore? do I tell people? do I not? do I wait for more details? or do I explain why my camera is not on in this meeting because I'm crying for the bajillionth time in two days? (I don't know)

4. do I google? (NO. the doctor made this very clear)

Assuming that thought #2 is just my anxious brain being its shitty self and that this is not nothing, I am also aware that I need to have my community behind me and I need to gear up for a fight here. Everyone I know is being incredibly supportive and I am already thankful for that. Don't feel awkward if you don't what to say to me. I don't know what to say either. We can communicate with movie quotes if you want. I'm just happy to hear from you.

I also deal with emotional things musically, so I am building myself a playlist of fight songs. If you have any suggestions please reach out.

Whatever is going on with me, I think we can all agree it doesn't know who it's messing with.